Discipline

Is it something that is learned? Is it something that someone else can teach you? Or is it instead something that must be enforced through your daily life. I just don't know, but I sure wish I had enough of it. I am just not dedicated to things. I managed it for most of one summer, I ran 5 days a week every week and I began to notice definite improvements. I ran whether it was rain or shine, nothing stopped me, and it was gratifying. It was good to know that I had put in the effort, I did not let myself go the easy route, I stuck to it. However after this sojourn into the world of running it went downhill. I slowly slacked off more and more until I lived just like I did before. I effectivley annuled all my work and it sickens me.

At the start of this summer I tried to reignite my passion for the exercise, I think my longest streak was two days, I just couldn't make myself stick to it anymore. I have no excuses, it was pure laziness and it shames me. It was even easier then before for me because we got a treadmill installed. I was able to run in all conditions without getting soaked to the skin or freezing my junk off. I don't know why I couldn't enforce myself again. I think maybe part of it has been wow, I have spent far too much of these last 3 monthes in Azeroth instead of the real world. I am, begging the pardon of Terry Goodkind for stealing a line from one of his books, already thinking of it as my "lost summer". I look back upon it and I think, what have I acheived? What goals or new things have I accomplished this summer?

The list of answers is slim, very slim indeed. This is disgusting and I must change myself. I do not wish to change for the benefit of others, I do not wish to make myself into a better person simply because that might make me more appealing to others. I will change myself because I need to change, I need to look at myself in the mirror and back over my life(short though it is so far) and feel proud. I have to like what I see, and I have to understand that opportunity truly does sometimes only knock once.

How many times have you, while lost in thought, mulled over the times that you could have said yes but instead said no? Have you ever wondered where those yesses could have taken you? I know I do. This is not even the obvious yesses like when a friend asks if you want to go for a drink, or do you want to go to the cinema later. The other ones where you know if you had just answered differantly your outlook could have changed, maybe for the better, but theres always a chance for the worse.

Change frightens people, stability and sameness are safe, they offer a refuge that you can hide in, sheltered from new and scary experiences. I have learned the hard way that stability and sameness may seem to be warm and comfortable, but they're in truth choking influences that strangle your drive to better yourself. Change can be bad but without it life is a dull and empty place, berefit of any real excitement.

I don't know why I wrote this and I don't know if it isin't all just a pile of shit that I'll regret when I think it over tomorrow. Maybe I got some valid points across, whatever the outcome I'm glad I took the time to write it.